Is There a Spirit of Vulnerability?
Original painting by Mee Shim fashioned into collage by Ciela Wynter
OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW ANEW
Q:Is There a Spirit of Vulnerability?
A: You know how people say...”In the spirit of _fill in the blank_?” In the spirit of Christmas, teamwork, frothy matcha with housemade almond milk, etc. Well, tonight I am reflecting on my moment and this rambunctious lunar eclipse befalling us and in the spirit of vulnerability, I would like to share some of mine with you. Deep sigh. Ok…it has been a very challenging couple of months for me. I feel that I’ve been consumed by a literal fire within my body that has truly challenged me on every level. Health is wealth, my Godfather always says, and it is true! And lately, I’ve been feeling a bit impoverished in this area while going through a compost phase of sorts.
It is vulnerable to feel weakened, be stripped of energy, and shown internal systems that have broken down due to misuse, abuse, and overuse. I’ve really been plunged into some new depths and wondered when I would come up for air. Having been born into this life through an emergency c-section, I’ve always been able to navigate states of emergency with finesse as it is something my nervous system just knows how to do. And honestly, I’ve had to navigate a constant feeling of, at minimum, a state of urgency for the last 6 weeks without any rest.
A HEALING JOURNEY
In short, I’ve had a raging fire through my digestive tract, an intense inflammatory response to stress, resolution of karma, imbalances in relationships etc. that has altered my ability to eat, digest, sleep, think, function, and simply be. And honestly, although severely uncomfortable, it hasn’t been in vain. I feel like a newborn babe who is learning a new way to eat, digest, sleep, think, function, and simply be…and I actually really needed this re-education, clearly.
Through many of my recent sleepless nights, having to feed myself every two to three hours or so (in sync with my literal newborn soulmate, Ursula) to manage the metabolic heat, I’ve had some of the most exquisite mediations I’ve had in some time. Still-points I daydream about afterward as they’ve been so enriching and profound. In my experience when the pain intensifies, the only way to manage is to match that pain with stillness. It is there that my psyche dissolves into an embodied presence that is so rare and precious. All of these gifts have been so worth this epic journey of late although it is such a high price to pay for an upgrade to Ciela 2.0.
At one choice point, I had to decide between a hospital or a healer. I chose the latter and hopped on a plane to the west coast. A dear friend with a very generous heart beckoned me to accept an invitation to go deep and do the work. So I did. Nature, stillness, animals, rest, perspectives, plants, herbs, discomfort, appreciation, neural pathways, energy, chi, gratitude. I got my homework and landed back in the forge of all forges, NYC, only to relapse into further intensity. Truly, it only felt like a relapse but really, deeper cycles of purification are running through me like rivers of new earth (lava) and take all that is no longer needed with them.
Amidst these physical ailments, the psychological terrain has been radical! I’ve had to set boundaries, have very uncomfortable conversations, stand up for myself, protect my energy, speak up, recreate anew, receive help, and get a lot of rest. Some of these things I am decent at and others, terrible…until now! I am in awe of how stubborn I have been and how I’ve manifested such strong forcing functions to really change the patterns embedded in the layers of my mind. Ouch, I hope at some point I can stop learning the hard way lol.
SOUTH NODE LUNAR ECLIPSE
This eclipse cycle has been mysterious, arduous, and enchanting in ways I couldn’t imagine. I know this full moon is a heavy hitter and am praying for the best for each of us. May we have the courage and the stamina to face the undercurrents that are rising to the surface with this scorpionic south nodal ecliptonic cosmic rebellion! (I enjoy making up words, bear with me : )
Getting well and healing is work, it requires energy and reprioritizing focus to refill our golden vessels of life. In times like these, I am brought into the paradox of fragility and power that is in every breath and day that I am alive. I can see the horizon and as dark as it has been is as light as it shall be, for this I am certain, as this is not my first obstaclathon rodeo.
Last thought before we part ways today. Generosity. It is so extraterrestrial and divine that to feel it is to travel to faraway lands, familiar only to the purest sanctions of our hearts. Yesterday I received a dear friend's generosity. He is an angel in my life and showed up for me in a way that left me in tears. I just let myself open to receive it which almost felt like my heart breaking…open. It was astounding to witness myself having to crack and then dissolve (the armor) to receive his act of love and care in this way. And I am so thankful for him and how he walks the talk as a human.
Being in his presence brings me closer to God and for that I am eternally grateful. May we all have people in our lives who exude this level of beingess that just being in a room with them alters our consciousness for the better. I’m not talking magically, I am speaking practically because when one lives as an example of what is possible, others can begin to see it in themselves and so the invitation begins (and of course, that is pretty magical).
Vulnerability. There. You. Have. It. I love you, take care of you…whatever you are challenged by right now I trust you will get through it. We always do! And don’t miss out on all the lessons along the way. Every single moment is full of opportunities to grow anew, you might just have to become fire inside the compost pile first.
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We cannot change the world until we accept we are the world. This is the new conversation.