To Be Determined…

Q: Where to Go?

A: Just going to start writing now. I don’t really even feel like it. Everywhere I look I see flames. Burning down where I have been, who I have been, and with whom I have been. Scary. Terrifying. Lonely. Sad. Touching in. Trying to find. The. Way. Home.

Since this is a journal, I can write as I please. But this isn’t as I please, this just is the moment. My heart hurts, it longs for another day. A different glimpse of time. Yet this is the moment that I can’t skip over, ignore or avoid. Here is the pain I have to confront and be with.

BIRTH PAINS

They say the weeks before your birthday are likened to a contraction, the dark before the dawn. I feel this in my bones. Letting myself feel the depths of anguish is not something I would love to do right now but I am allowing this. I try to run, I try to hide…and I just can’t. There is literally nowhere to go but here and now.

Wow, feelings. I typically feel a lot, am sensitive and I feel beyond what can be seen, beyond what is obvious. Right now I am feeling, seeing, understanding, and inside of what feels like a bit of TMI from my shadowlands. Unearthing is occurring in family, career, love, friendship, identity, health, past, present…all to unveil a new future?

Perhaps. Is this the cost? Death of my psyche? I don’t like it, I don’t enjoy it. I may very well just melt into a puddle of remnants. Somehow that would be reassuring.

A DARK NIGHT

This is a dark night. I await the life that comes after this excruciating and difficult part. It may take me months or years to traverse this passage. Yet I will. I have to remind myself not to fight this or try to hurdle over it, or simply endure. In this pain is a richness of being, feelings that are needing to breathe after years, even decades of suffocation.

And that is the beauty of feeling. Once I feel these, I can breathe again, newly and into a different space. It is not the feeling that imprisons me, rather the avoidance of feeling it. May I be courageous enough to continue to feel my way through this treacherous Plutonian sphere. May I gather my strength to rebuild a new life from the ashes of the old one. May I cultivate my inner song’s expression into reality.

BEGINNING AGAIN

There’s a secret doorway and it opens from within. Am I ready to see all that it beholds? I say yes, I am ready to keep walking through this inner fire, transforming and forging me into a new form. TBD.

Ps. I have a new single coming out on the 11th. There’s always light within the shadows✨

~ Leaping from one life into another...Happy New Year Beloved Humans✨Enjoy this playlist for your listening pleasure.

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We cannot change the world until we accept we are the world. This is the new conversation.