How Do You Surrender?
Q: How Do You Surrender?
A: Honestly, not very easily. I was born on the day of the heavyweight. I share this day with Mohammad Ali and others who definitely emulate a fighting spirit. Access to an inner strength that fights on in endurance fortifying circumstances and the insatiable cultivation of courage has been invaluable in moments of life. However, the rugged force needed at times to persevere in harsh psychological, emotional, physical or spiritual tests has its limits, even within those same encounters.
There was a pivotal realization I had around 17 years ago when I discovered the warrior archetype that occupies a decent amount of real estate in my psyche. At the same time, I could see that much of my spiritual effort and desire had been appropriated in a way where I was fighting myself. I was on the wrong team and I didn’t know it. There were selfish egoic motives under the surface that began to be revealed in my inner observation. I had been a yoga teacher with good intentions and a love for God that began as far back as I can remember, how did I have malicious intent toward myself?
It took me a few days to really sit with this and discover the silver lining of this lesson. Well, I hadn’t lost everything, I could still change my mind. It was humbling and the self-discovery wasn’t rosy or perfumed. I began a long journey of observing myself and the ego within me. I was still very green in the transpersonal arena yet I knew it was my home and an intimate place of study.
Now, nearly two decades later, and after what some people may consider a detour or two, I am still learning to refine my inner warrior and transform the unconscious ways I approach my inner work. Recently I came into a layer of such resistance that I couldn’t understand. Just observing this space of mind made me exhausted to my bones. I can see now that this represents all of the energy I waste on a moment to moment basis by getting in my own way. Imagine an army of soldiers fighting with all of their might to stop you from realizing your truth, to stop you from becoming who you truly are, from allowing you to know your own heart of hearts. It’s like that.
So, the theme of my life today is surrender. To allow a new rhythm that flows with greater ease to pulse through my nervous system and to align with a circadian cycle that lulls me to rest without a battle. To see where I am attempting to thwart my own ability to overcome my internal obstacles and to maintain my personal commitment to that which is the most important to me of all, deep within my soul. I will fight on, the good fight that is, and show up for what is required from me from the deep well of inner peace that I work to develop daily. May I get out of the way to allow the presence of the highest to help me along the way and cease to unconsciously and defiantly resist the one who knows me better than any other, dear God.
