Are You In Awe?
Love, Pain & THE PISCES FULL MOON
Q: Are You In Awe?
A. I am, completely and entirely. Something is happening to me that I have never experienced in my life. It is difficult to articulate, it is truly radical in nature, and I will do my best to see if I can find the words to describe this moment under the glow of this Pisces full moon.
For as long as I can remember I have been a seeker. I have known there was something more than what meets the eye, that there was a stronger current than my individual power over my destiny. I knew there was something greater that I could feel but I couldn’t touch.
I found that connection to only grow inside my heart throughout my life, yet I would turn away from it in certain cycles of life and at others come closer. I’ve always been very independent; this has been my default survival skill to take matters into my own hands and forge ahead. However, I am finding I can no longer rest on my laurels in this way. I am learning how to ask for help as well as open myself to profound layers of vulnerability that make me want to run. Hashtag avoidant attachment.
Reclaiming Power
The paradox is that a very important theme in my process is the reclamation of my power. Just because I have been independent does not equate to having had a good run with maintaining my personal authority. From my earliest memories witnessed in my own mind, I have had to navigate boundaries and discernment between love and pain. Last night I wrote this down and it shocked me:
I still have never known a love that is not actually pain in disguise
Still sitting with these words, the depth of truth in them is haunting, real, and revealing. Perhaps a different love has sought me out, but because I haven’t known anything different, the filters of my mind have obstructed my heart.
The perfect Love
The only love that I have found that is not pain is that which is beyond this world, and yet somehow also seeped into every aspect of it. Although I have not had the privilege of true love fully manifest in the flesh, the love I have for God is everything to me. And for this, I am eternally grateful. I am not giving up hope, though...for finding love here.
Another paradox I am exploring is the coexistence of true and false. Sit with that one for a moment, there is so much to discover there. My internal task is to eliminate the false nature within me and uplift and embody that which is true. It isn’t as simple as it may sound, indeed, it is a daring adventure. It is in the darkest hours that the false can be seen, illuminated by circumstance and by shining the internal searchlight of courage into the unknown. The good news is that in order to change anything in the psyche, the first step is to see it. Lately, I have had the opportunity to see things that I can’t unsee.
My prayer for today - May I become free in myself to continue to gather my strength from within yet still be open and vulnerable enough to share that power with others.
For more musings like this, subscribe here
Join Ciela’s Patreon
We cannot change the world until we accept we are the world. This is the new conversation.
