Can Metamorphosis Be Fun?
Currently Dissolving
Q: Can Metamorphosis be Fun?
A: Drum roll please...and the winner is, Yes!! Ok, so those of us going through an individual sieve of real-time dissolve of self know that to surrender into the unknown in such a visceral manner is more uncomfortable than words can describe. Yet I will try.
Let’s start with who I think I am. Walking around, taking care of myself and others, basic needs being fulfilled, organizing myself daily to stay nourished, bathed, communicative, productive, and creative. Until the invitation is so blatant that I can no longer ignore the signals that beckon me into a new field of existence.
True, the inner voice of knowing let me know a while ago that these winds of change were whispering into my soul. However, I somehow found solace in the illusion of time and that I have plenty. It feels that way until I no longer have more time to spare and I find myself on the precipice of a moment such as this.
Queasiness ensues. And some exhaustion announces itself as if I didn’t already know it was there. I feel heavy in my bones and minor tasks begin to feel major. My capacity for multitasking minimizes into short bursts of energy surrounded by elongated periods of a blank stare. My body reacts in unexpected ways and pains shoot through my musculature, tissues, and cellular body. Inside I am listening and what I hear is terrifying at best.
Observation of “this”
Imagine the following at 10x speed articulation of the inner dialogue. “This, this, and this. Look at this...these cherished ways of being, seeing, speaking, and moving through the world. This relationship and that person. These elements of your material life and the ways that you consume. This way of navigating from inside and this perspective too. How about this belief, and all of these thoughts, these emotions, and more unconscious beliefs. This way of relating to yourself, and especially to that which is greater. Let me ask you, what are you present to? What are you aware of? What can you see that you couldn’t see before? Are you willing to stay in this seeing and not just see but begin the process of acceptance? And not just accept but to stay willing to do your part? Are you? Truly?”
Over time, the inner voice is more persistent. And maybe I can only digest one illuminated inquiry at a time. Each insight blows open the doors to a new reality that I must cultivate a significant amount of courage to recognize, much less approach the door itself.
At first, I am overwhelmed. And I eventually find compassion for myself and remember that I am human inside of this existential midlife chrysalis and that whatever happens, I trust, deeply, that I will be better for it. And then I start to feel my insides churn and turn inside out. Can I still taste compassion in these horrid moments of agony? More so, I am losing a grip of sorts as my past self is playing on the internal theater of my mind, witnessing each aspect of self that I now know I have to let go of.
Inspiration and Enthusiasm
Where was that fun part you might ask? Getting there I promise! I was chatting with a very dear friend yesterday who asked me if I was happy. My answer? Yes! Although I have left the comforts of my home, let go of my office, packed up my car, and ventured into an unknown walk-about with its fair share of schlepping, different beds, and ungrounded musings...there is joy in my heart. Even though I am staying intensely present to the current “gift” of a psychological death which reeks of terror to my “precious” ego, I am riding high on my faith.
Truly, the more I lean into the invitation, the more I let go, the more I embrace the gravitational pull to relinquish my own will, the more ecstatic enthusiasm I can swim in.
When I mentioned enthusiasm to said friend, she reminded me of this definition; enthusiasm is to be inspired, to be full of God. And here I am, inspired! I question if there is anything more fun than to be inspired?! To feel the rush of effervescent energy scintillating my every waking cell of being? To feel the internal momentum of creative life-force rushing through me as a magnificent call into uncharted action? To feel on purpose even though led only by the golden faith of my heart from one step to the next into the dense mist of unknown destiny?
Dancing into freedom
Is there anything more fun than feeling my body dance into wild abandon and freedom? Or to let go of the weight of holding up entire empires of construct in my mind? How fun is it to free myself of the burdens of my past through deep inner work that satiates my every true desire and ache of my walk toward liberation? So fun, perhaps the most I have ever had.
And yet...how is this possible? To simultaneously experience such power and incredibly bold resonance of being while still dissolving into a puddle of what has been? Thank God for the butterfly and her life as an example of what is possible. What a teacher metamorphosis continues to be for me.
My greatest wish for all of us in the dissolve is to enjoy every aspect of this moment. From the pains and fear to the joy and the light, notice what you notice. There is only one now and now is the key to a brilliant future. May it be so, may it be fun, and may we dissolve the false and live into the true!
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We cannot change the world until we accept we are the world. This is the new conversation.
