What Is Self-Deception?
DARK NIGHT OF MY SOUL
Q: What Is Self-Deception?
A: Feeling slightly nauseated as I write this. Perhaps I am living one of my most raw moments as a human being to date. I’ve been a seeker for as long as I can remember and I have been a teacher for 20 years. I am a deeply spiritual being and I am a completely imperfect human too. Not only imperfect, I have made many mistakes. And these mistakes range from childhood into this past week on the timeline of my life. I share this because I do not wish to ever be put on a pedestal in this life as I have unconsciously encouraged before. And I am enduring a dark night of my soul, want a preview?
RELIEF IN THIS NEW MOON
First, I would like to acknowledge this new moon in Virgo, a real stunner. Virgo provides us with the gift of analysis and inspiration for organizing our self-inventory for inner work. And this new moon happens to be in perfect (Virgos love this word) harmonious trine with Uranus sparking radical insights, unexpected positive change, and a renewed urge for freedom.
I sense a deep sigh of relief upon us, however brief, I hope for us all to receive it. It has been such a challenging time for so many of us. Truly, this past month has tested my resilience in unprecedented ways. Triggered by immense loss and grief, I have submerged between the layers of the present and the ancient past. What does Carl Jung mean when he says, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious?” While everyone may interpret this as they will, for me I have been intensely focused upon the “making the darkness conscious” part. And not in any kind of romantic way, at least in this current traverse through the halls of inner death. It is bleak, it is painful, and it is not nice.
FATEFUL PLUTO
A friend of mine who also knows the fateful Pluto transits said to me, “You know how people talk about going through a dark night of the soul? Well, until they know this transit, they really haven’t experienced it.” I have journeyed through my share of darkness, dark nights, black forests, and interior hell realms that would make anyone squirm. But I haven’t lived them like I am now living them in my psychology.
And a Pluto transit is always triggered by an external circumstance. I feel there are more coming for me so I hesitate to speak in too much detail about this moment now. However, this week I lost my tact, I spoke from a place of pain and stumbled into a blindspot that became achingly clear. As the jolt of awareness seared through me via the reflection of someone I hurt, I began to unwind. I could see how this particular expression of self-deception was a result of a lifetime of deception towards myself created to survive an early childhood trauma. This trauma then spawned a way of coping that actually handicapped my ability to self-liberate and instead imprisoned me in layers of ignorance and justified fear.
Right now, as I walk through Pluto’s lair, I am coming undone from the present moment. I am tracking through time and sweeping past every traumatic experience I’ve had in relation to this antiquated pain. I’m connecting the dots through to the core wound in me that seeks safety, is in need of care, and inevitably serves my power up on a platter to the highest bidder.
OUR RELATIONSHIP TO BEING RIGHT
The guise in which I have hidden this pain from myself is in the form of pride, a level of arrogance that is refined in such a way that I trick myself into thinking it is virtuous. I justify it, and even more, have embraced a certain unconscious righteousness that is so unappealing, hence the nausea. What is your relationship to being right? Two of my favorite people on this planet teach that “being right is the heroine of society” as many of us are addicts to this useless drug. Beyond this, self-deception is lying to oneself. And if I am lying to myself, I am lying to everyone.
THE CURRENT DEATH CYCLE
As an astrologer, I knew this transit was going to break me. It is known that one walks through a Pluto transit over their sun as one person and comes out as another. The gift of this is a rebirth, and that is something I do look forward to but am slightly occupied by the current death cycle as you can probably tell.
I am in it. Imagine your unconscious thoughts, desires, negativity, actions, attitudes, or what some call the “shadow” all beginning to rise to the surface from within the midnight waters of a Scorpionic lake...at once. And what is more, the karmic consequences of past actions derived from those unconscious ways begin to pop...simultaneously.
Having spent more time in the cocoon in the past weeks contemplating this excruciating process of change, I can say I’ve been both radiantly inspired by what is possible and equally terrified as I experience death after death of aspects of my identity. Death of identity is not easy for me, I have discovered, but I am practicing.
And the juxtaposition of life right now couldn’t be wilder. A fellow astrologer shared with me recently when observing my chart, “you are in the twilight zone Ciela, the life you have lived is falling away and a new life is forming from within you.” This couldn’t be more true. I am beyond hopeful that what is falling away are the ways I have disrespected myself and thus others, my self-sabotage, and self-deception which I do see as the core source of all suffering.
The state of our world is a reflection of these elements as the world is my mirror. Can I change my world? What about the world? Well, I can do what I can to change myself and in so doing, maybe, just maybe, I can bring a bit more light through this soul to share with others.
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We cannot change the world until we accept we are the world. This is the new conversation.
