Did You Hear That?
Q: Did You Hear That?
A: Yep, that was a pure whoosh of life experience passing me by for the 86,400th time today. How is it possible that one day can equal so many? From the moment I placed my head to rest on my pillow last night, I have felt completely alive. Let’s back it up…
Last evening, I was gifted some unexpected free space when a client needed to change her appointment. I had ‘unplanned’ time when I hadn’t planned it, hmmmm. Nothing strange here right? This happens all the time. I thought to myself how great to have a moment to catch up on my list(s). That is until I looked at one list, and then another and took a look at my desktop and shuddered. I sat with my moment, as having four jobs while laboring creative projects, nearly birthing others, and gestating the rest, requires a lot of effort.
“Where do I even begin with so much to do?”
My mind began to move with ferocity, as if a storm was rolling in. I literally saw the fog come over the hillside of my inner landscape and nearly choke me from all other life forms whatsoever. There I was, inside the overwhelm itself…so I listened.
“Don’t you want to stay inside and get cozy?”
“Aren’t you tired?” I began to witness the thoughts within try to convince me into a lull of sleep rather than get focused, in fact, focus was the enemy to these thoughts.
I was hiding inside this fog of overwhelm and exhaustion, realizing I had been here before, many times in my unconscious state, either staring into my phone or seeking a distraction from what I needed to accomplish. Tears began to stream as I witnessed this line of defense creating sabotage upon myself, my light, my potential. Nausea ensued and the energetics of an old, stale way of thinking began to shed from the inside out.
Heaving into my toilet, I caught a glance of myself in the bathroom mirror and recognized something new in my eyes. Clarity. Focus. Fire. Aliveness. Freedom was moving inside of me as if the prison door had been flung open releasing a prisoner, longtime kept in the musty sourness of a dark cell.
Where have I been hiding? In said self-imposed prison, complete with sweating walls of shame and the dampness of guilt from an internally punishing warden of judgement. Woof. Three years I have been hiding in here, and maybe it doesn’t appear this way from the outside, but I have been…inside, unconsciously.
I love caves, and many times wish I could exist in one (Capricorn). Yet that isn’t my reality right now. An inner nudge of anticipation, vision and pure enthusiasm has diligently and consistently shown up for me, day after day, encouraging a shower of creative light and possibility. And one interception my ego found in the attempt to halt this energy was to cloak it in overwhelm, anxiety and exhaustion.
If you can’t see it, you can’t change it. Last night I saw this, and I can’t un-see it. I moved from the place of my deepest connection from within me to right this moment from a woven wrong in my psyche. I spoke out loud hearing my own voice that, “without the default of overwhelm and tiredness, nothing can stop me.”
It was late, I eventually made it to my pillow after some musings and exploration…and that was just what happened before I entered my dreams. Then again, whoosh! More humanity, more feelings, visions, sensations, understandings, and comprehensions.
We are alive and it bewilders me as to how so often I nearly forget this.
Today I woke up, I felt my skin on my skin, my skin on my sheets and yes, I felt cozy, which felt great. I wasn’t tired. I was alive. My lists of ‘tada’s’ as my friend Jon calls them are still pouring off my desk and I wasn’t overwhelmed at all. I felt inspiration flowing through my veins at an unprecedented rate. Thank God. Truly. Thank you, God, for moments like this where I remember you and I remember me.
It hasn’t been an easy day, living through all of the excitement, creativity, concern, worry, sadness, love, grace, fear, faith, fun, pain, gratitude, hilarity, encouragement, presence, disappointment, hope, compassion etc. Yet it has been an amazing day to be alive and to feel the winds of change and aliveness whoosh by me every moment of my life.
