What Does Your Transformation Look Like?
Q: What Does Your Transformation Look Like?
A: I approach the keyboard, my heart racing, palpitating rather, and I can hardly see straight. Is this what yours looks like? I have never been one to shy away from the challenge to change, in fact I love it. Yet, whatever this current invitation is that is slithering under my skin before my eyes, turning my insides outside and causing me to forget my name…well, to say in the least, this is unfamiliar.
Perhaps entering into Aquarius with the direct line of Uranian lightning force squaring the total lunar eclipse has something to do with it. Or that it is squaring my, and many other Cap/Aquarians out there, Sun, which is opposite this super blood moon eclipse? Remember that song from the 1960’s Breaking Up Is Hard to Do? I keep hearing it, yet instead I hear “breaking apart is hard to do…” And it is. Who else is breaking apart out there? This can’t be an isolated experience.
This is a topic I often find myself contemplating. What does it truly mean to die before we die as the Prophet Muhammad so eloquently suggested? How do we die while we are alive? What dies? What stays? Is there a limit to this? How many lives do we actually have? 9 as they say the felines do? Or is it unlimited? How many lives have you had? Where you look back and say, I was a completely different person then. What has changed? Are you still you? Or were you you then? If not you, then who?
And what is it to die? For me it can feel like this; a surge of discomfort and disorientation while something is happening that I can’t understand. I feel under water, as if in the spin cycle. I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself. I can’t tell if I should eat and if I should, what? The energy is bold and transformative with a metamorphic consistency. Watch this video of a monarch caterpillar morphing into a chrysalis and tell me if you have an appetite.
I am sloughing off parts of me that I mourn simultaneously without clarity. There is a reach towards that which is ahead as well as a desperate grasp towards what has been, as if that will save me from myself.
Something stronger is propelling me forward, thank God, as I can’t do this alone. No way in heaven or hell. Where am I? Feet on the ground. Water down the throat. I curl up into the fetal position and pray. Sometimes it’s all I can do actually. Except create. Creativity beckons in the midst of powerful change. If you are ever seeking the muse, as if she is absent, ask yourself what you are avoiding.
Life flashes before my eyes, while the inner hurricane takes me into its whoosh of power and again I can only surrender, go limp and hope to survive. Imagine the tornado scene in The Wizard of Oz. I look into the whirling haze and there are my choices in front of me, there are my actions, here are the consequences and so it goes, again and again. I see myself and who I have been. I confront the reality I have created during this life and pray for the new to unfold from within me. Easy to say, however have you ever meditated on the actual experience from within a cocoon? Or perhaps, experienced something similar? I attempt to pull words from metaphor while only a true knowing can suffice. Although, if you have ever danced with Pluto within your astrological chart then you will catch my drift.
Light. Levity. Ease. For a brief moment I can breathe. My heart returns to its instinctual rhythm and there is calm. I sense that I am ok. I can function and have rational thoughts. I look to either side, in front and behind me. There are signs of destruction, deconstruction, dissolution…the old is devastated. I feel I am searching through the remnants of my personal soul’s fire. Obvious next steps? Reconstruction, formation, resurrection. A sigh of relief comes over me and then I hesitate. I am still in the chrysalis. Upon the horizon I can see another wave, it appears as a tsunami of sorts and once again realize, I am merely in the eye of the storm.
