When Do You Doubt Yourself?
Q: When Do You Doubt Yourself?
A: In moments of challenge, when what seemed like a yes is then presented as no or when the rug gets pulled from underneath me, I go inward seeking resolve. Often, I first encounter the fleeting ‘ok, I’m alright, stay optimistic…this too shall pass’. I venture deeper and a flurry of emotions resembling a thousand bees buzz through me, disorient me momentarily and bring forth subtle anxiety that increasingly builds. Chocolate? A friend’s voice? ‘Are you there God? It’s me, Ciela.’
Between the optimistic survival default and the beehive of emotions, self-doubt arrives as if it were Hades himself upon an underworld chariot. “Won’t you be my neighbor?” The self-doubt attempts to seduce me to follow it’s dangling carrot of sorrow and suffering all the way to the familiar and very old realm of self-despise, judgment, and criticism.
I witness his tactics and stand my ground. I know in my heart that I am living my path, my truth and there is a workaround when an obstacle arises. These are not the times to give up, these are the times to get quiet and listen to guidance. The key is discerning as to who I shall lend my inner ear in such vulnerable moments of discomfort and change.
I used to doubt myself, nearly drowning in low self-worth at moments when I was younger. Even recently I’ve had to overcome many opportunities to judge my past actions in less than supportive ways. Instead, I have attended to observing myself, reviewing my actions with constructive criticism, and working for understanding in order to change my mind. There is no need to punish myself for past mistakes as much as my inner Hades would like to argue otherwise. Forgiveness of self is a much healthier, sustainable, and authentic path to freedom.
Today my faith surges on as a stronger alternative to doubt, a better station of focus. I continue to see my self-doubt as the attempt to thwart my own potential as I watch ‘closely from afar’ just as a huntress would carefully mark her prey. Every time I feel the upsurge of an inner invitation to rise to a new occasion, I can count on the viperous snake of doubt slithering up close behind. The beauty at this moment is I am now aware of this interplay, and even if I hesitate before its writhing fear-producing antics, I just take a deep breath and pray for the strength to forge ahead with grace.
In order to grow, I must meet the threshold of my discomfort. Clearly, this will be a provocative encounter and if I lean into my inner strength versus the tenuous cry of the before mentioned slither-er, I shall breach the internal limitation venturing into a new experience of myself, perhaps a bit bolder, and certainly with a new perspective.
