What Is Death?
Q: What Is Death?
A: Do you know the sensation of sinking into the earth without a return in sight? When your skin feels as if it is rotting, molting off of itself, and staleness casts a shadow over the moment of what has been? Caught within the transit of dying while still breathing...perhaps through a breakup, a swift change, remorse, pain, surrender, purification, clarity, renewal, and so it goes around and around.
Every year around this time a shock wave moves through my nervous system, ignited by an unpleasant experience that tests my resolve to breathe. Why are these self-induced waves of anguish unconsciously created to help nudge me into death’s corner? Perhaps as there is little growth when things are going well. And when havoc confronts me, I must look square into my actions, reactions, and responsibility.
Lately, I’ve been questioning how sharing my personal process, opinions, reflections, and inner truths invite in an array of criticism, encouragement, gratitude, judgment, anger, sweetness, etc. I’ve been asked why am I moved to write these things…and my answer, I write to breathe. Why share my personal exploration? It is what I am inspired to share. Sometimes this includes anonymous others in my life with whom I am learning from and with, who are reflecting life back to me and cause me to self-inquire.
This brought me into a reflection on the themes of exposure versus anonymity. Exposing thoughts and ideas on the one hand for the sake of process and transparency and how on the other, we also like to hide behind them in the name of privacy. Analyzing the spectrum between transparency and privacy, I ask myself how have I lived in the comfort of ‘privacy’ and what does this mean to me? Is it a defense to protect myself? From who and what am I protecting actuality? Or are there secrets I’d rather not share? Skeletons I keep hidden away? Or am I afraid of what people will think if they really knew me? My fears, insecurities, challenges, and so on… Is it my pride that claims myself as a private person? As if my secrets are more secretive than yours?
When does it make sense to be private? There is a deep reserve in our souls for that which is absolutely personal and for each of our hearts alone. And when is it simply our own business and not appropriate to share? What lurks in the hidden chambers of the fine line of this debate? I’ll never forget hearing a family member ‘remind’ me that every family has their secrets when I was attempting to have a transparent conversation that wasn’t well received. Transparency. In regards to being a writer, I am committed to being open and to share personal stories with respect while maintaining the privacy of others as appropriate.
I recognize that asking certain questions can expose our shadows and can even cause us to attack in wrath. Even if anonymous, exposure is a threat. A threat to what? What in us feels like it will die when exposed? Is there an undiscovered lie? Are we lying to ourselves or others? For me, it is my ego. It loathes exposure and is terrified of the seemingly doomed process of losing anonymity. The worst part of this is the anguish over what people will think? What will they say...when I am painted as a heretic, a liar, a devil in disguise? Can I stand in my truth before the projections of others and remain in my heart while my ego begins a slow death, one limb torn off after another?
That is what this time of year for me represents. Beyond the hype and distractions of staying busy, cyber weekdays, travel delays, and company parties looped up on sugar cookies and spiked nog that overtakes our American culture, this is the time of the winter solstice. It is a sacred time of year, perhaps my favorite. It is the longest night, an invitation to sink into the cold depths of our shadow selves while holding a midnight torch of inner guidance. Pluto in Capricorn only amplifies the charge quincunx to the full moon, not to mention it’s triple conjunction with Saturn and Venus. Then add South Node, Sun, Jupiter, and soon Mercury into this cosmic sea-goat soiree and we’ll have quite the party.
Thus I have to crawl into my cave alone to deeply reflect upon my past actions, current thoughts, emotional states, and get present into my stillness. In these times I have to force the isolation that no longer exists in our society, and create the boundary for the inner work I require for myself. It is hard, it is disciplined, it is as good as it gets for an explorer of inner worlds.
Yes, the stench of death is not far and we can die while still remaining alive. We die to the old, we die to the ego, we die to relationships that are hindering our hearts, we die, we go in, and from there are reborn. This is solstice, this is what nature teaches us to do in winter. It is the season of death, inevitable before the forthcoming spring.
Why don’t we talk about death in its many facets and expressions? Why do we avoid it at all costs? So much that we try to inject false life and youth into our bodies and minds? To remain young...is that what we ultimately seek, the elixir of youth? To me, the closest I have found is to allow myself to attend my inner funerals and die to who I have been to be reborn once again.
Enjoy the holiday season...
